51吃瓜

Looking for a place to escape from President Trump? You’re running out of options.

Here at Emergency Travel Services, we believe that it鈥檚 never too early to plan your vacation. Or your emigration.

Based on the latest polls, most of you are confident that Donald Trump won鈥檛 be elected president in November. If the election were held today,聽, Trump would have about a 12% chance of winning. His odds improve to about 13% for November (according to the polls) and a mere 23% if you factor in other data on the economy and so on. Trump, who insists on being top dog in everything, is now barking loudly as the underdog.

But that could change. Hillary Clinton鈥檚 campaign could implode. An October surprise鈥攁 huge info-leak, a major terrorist attack鈥攃ould mean a 5-10% swing in popular sentiment.

Bottom line: Don鈥檛 plan your life around public opinion polls.

Time is running out. Some of our best deals at Emergency Travel Services have already been taken. I know that many of you liberal types have a soft spot for New Zealand: tolerant culture, lots of nice hiking paths, language mostly intelligible to Americans. But our Notorious RBG package is already sold out. Following聽, practically half the populations of the Bay Area, Portland, Oregon and Burlington, Vermont have planned their escape route to down under.

Don鈥檛 wait until November 9. Last minute vacationers often make terrible mistakes. Desperate to get out of town and seduced by misleading ad campaigns, they end up at the Club Med聽聽or on a summer聽. Our travel agency never forgets to account for global warming. The same goes for political climate change.

Always one step ahead, our risk analysts have prepared a guide to the planet鈥檚 most welcoming and least welcoming destinations, that is, if your primary objective is to run screaming in the other direction from the specter of President Trump. We鈥檝e divided our guide into four sections: Trump Plus, Trump-Like, Trump Light and Trump-Free.

Pay close attention. You don鈥檛 want to jump out of the American frying pan and into some foreign fire. Let Emergency Travel Services ensure that your landing is a safe one.

Trump Plus

This is probably not news to anyone, but Pyongyang and Damascus are not good places to establish a new life abroad. Donald Trump is perhaps the greatest threat to democracy that the United States has witnessed in the last 75 years. But he鈥檚 not Kim Jong-un or Bashar al-Assad. Of course, give Trump an army and a vast prison system and who knows? Bashar was once just a white-collar professional with a pretty wife. Jong-un was once just a privileged child who got a big boost from his father. There but for the grace of democratic institutions goes Donald.

Also in the category of one-man dystopias are Robert Mugabe鈥檚 Zimbabwe, Omar al-Bashir鈥檚 Sudan, Alexander Lukashenko鈥檚 Belarus, Islam Karimov鈥檚 Uzbekistan, and Butch Otter鈥檚 Idaho (in case you were considering internal exile in a survivalist bunker).

We recommend that you don鈥檛 go to war zones (much of the Middle East), pandemic zones (check the CDC site) and island nations that are about to disappear under the ocean. Cancun during spring break is also a no-no.

In short, there are places in the world that are worse than living under Donald Trump. Sure, if you鈥檙e a nuclear physicist or a trainer of commando units, Pyongyang and Damascus might welcome you with open arms. We run an exfiltration service鈥攖hink聽Argo鈥攊f things go horribly wrong.听But that will cost you big time.

Bottom line: Maximize your flexibility and minimize your cost and risk.

Trump-Like

It鈥檚 easy to avoid dictatorships. But if you are considering a destination based solely on its designation as a democracy, think again. Plenty of other countries around the world have gone to the polls to install their own little Trumps.

Consider, for instance, the Philippines. The country has suffered under some appalling leadership in the past. Ferdinand Marcos steered the country into pauperdom; Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was under hospital arrest for four years on corruption charges. But the recently elected Rodrigo Duterte is already demonstrating that he can out-Trump the competition. He聽聽a 鈥済ay son of a bitch鈥� and refused to apologize. He made a rape joke too offensive to be repeated here. He even insulted the pope.

In terms of specific policies,聽聽to dump the corpses of 100,000 gangsters into Manila Bay鈥攊ndeed, extrajudicial killings聽鈥攁nd suspend the country鈥檚 legislature if it doesn鈥檛 do what he says. At the same time, he wants to shake up the country鈥檚 elite,聽 and make a deal with Beijing over the disputed territory in the South China Sea.

Bottom line: Duterte is an offensive and unpredictable loudmouth whose war on crime might be balanced by peace initiatives elsewhere, but we don鈥檛 recommend that you relocate to Manila.

Russia could legitimately claim that its leader Vladimir Putin championed 鈥渋lliberal democracy鈥� long before the White House appeared on Trump鈥檚 real estate wish list. And Trump seems to defer to Putin鈥攐n the threat of terrorism and the proper means to address it, the聽聽and the questionable utility of NATO, and the rise of euroskepticism and the weakening of the European Union.

Trump wants to bring back torture to deal with America鈥檚 enemies; Putin gets rid of opposition in less medieval but equally distasteful ways. After Boris Yeltsin turned Russia into a post-Soviet backwater, Putin claims that he has made the country great again, measured by military spending, cross-border meddling and nationalist rhetoric. By ruling like an oligarch and聽, Trump promises to duplicate that feat.

Bottom line: Unless you plan to keep your mouth shut about human rights, corruption and geopolitics, don鈥檛 move to Moscow.

Recep Tayyip Erdogan once won accolades as a reformer for breaking the power of the military, reaching out to the Kurdish community, and bringing Turkey closer in line with European human rights standards. But after throwing dozens of journalists in jail and reigniting a war against the Kurds, Erdogan has swung the other way. His recent efforts to pass a new constitution, which would put even more power into his hands, have a definite Trumpian feel. The recently attempted military coup gave Erdogan a fresh excuse for sweeping potential opponents from the system, and it wouldn鈥檛 be difficult to imagine聽.

Bottom line: Turkey鈥檚 a lovely place, but this is not the time to establish residence in Istanbul.

Japan has long been a popular destination for Americans looking for safe, economically advanced locales. But Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has been steadily remilitarizing the country by undermining the 鈥減eace constitution.鈥� Recently, he installed a聽聽as his defense minister. Unlike Trump, Abe is not given to outrageous statements. Nor has he proposed any outlandish walls (Japan鈥檚 an island, after all). But he鈥檚聽, and he desperately wants to put Japan first (evoking some of the same noxious World War II-era slogans as Trump鈥檚 America first rhetoric).

Bottom line: We鈥檙e not predicting another Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere, but who wants to live in a country that鈥檚 been ruled by the same party practically for the last 70 years?

Then there鈥檚 a man, a plan, a canal: Ortega. In Nicaragua, Daniel Ortega has partnered with a shadowy Chinese tycoon to聽聽that will ruin the environment, undermine the livelihoods of farmers and maybe never turn a profit鈥攊f it gets built at all. The former comandante聽of the Sandinistas, Ortega has been politically reborn as an anti-abortion, pro-business autocrat who has manipulated the electoral rules to run for a third term as president this year. He recently聽聽as his vice presidential candidate. Like Trump, he鈥檒l do practically anything to win. Unlike Trump, he was a Marxist revolutionary who once deposed a tyrant.

Bottom line: The 70-year-old Ortega is expected to win another four-year term in November聽, so unless you can stomach Trump in the guise of a putative leftist, stay away from Managua.

The European Union (EU) might seem a safe emigration bet, if you鈥檙e coming by plane from America and not a boat from North Africa. However, some EU countries have anticipated Trump by electing their own offensive blowhards. In the Czech Republic, President Milos Zeman has argued that Muslim integration in Europe is 鈥減ractically impossible,鈥� ignoring the experience of millions of immigrants, not to mention Bulgarian Turks, Bosniaks and Albanians. In Hungary, Prime Minister Viktor Orban has pledged to remodel his country along the lines of Russia鈥檚 鈥渋lliberal democracy.鈥� In Poland, the ruling Law and Justice Party has interfered with press freedom, made controversial statements against homosexuality and squared off against the EU.

Bottom line: Beware of this 鈥渘ew Europe鈥� of intolerance, nationalism and euroskepticism.

The spread of illiberal democracy has reached epidemic proportions. There鈥檚 simply not enough room in this report to cover them all: Israel鈥檚 Benjamin Netanyahu, Venezuela鈥檚 Nicolas Maduro, Uganda鈥檚 Yoweri Museveni, Egypt鈥檚 Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, Malaysia鈥檚 Najib Razak and so on. Trump is not as unique as he鈥檇 like to believe.

Trump Light

The last thing you want to do is move to a country that seems safe only for the citizens to turn around and suddenly install their own Trump, forcing you to pick up and move again. We call these at-risk countries Trump Light.

Take France, for example. Perhaps you鈥檙e already planning a four-year term in Provence. The country has great food, civilized conversation and a humane vacation policy. But it also has Marine Le Pen. The right-wing extremist is now聽twice as popular聽as current President Francois Hollande and is leading in the polls against the other presidential hopeful, Nicolas Sarkozy. If she becomes president next year, expect her to try to join the United Kingdom in leaving the EU and implement any number of Trump-like laws against Muslims and immigrants.

Bottom line: A lot of French might be joining you next year in whatever safe haven we鈥檝e found for you.

Indonesia is the most populous Muslim country in the world. It is also a tolerant democracy under the leadership of Joko Widodo. But two variants of extremism lie in wait. The Great Indonesia Movement Party and its frontman, Prabowo Subianto, want to turn back the clock to the days of Sukarno, cultivating a聽. Subianto came in second in the presidential elections in 2014, and his party commands the third largest bloc of seats in the legislature. Meanwhile, Islamic extremism in the form of Hizb ut-Tahrir is聽, and terrorists have launched a series of attacks to gain headlines and followers.

Bottom line: You might want to play it safe and stay away so as not to be caught in the extremist crossfire.

Over one-third of the world lives in India and China, so why not you too? Both countries appear relatively stable at the moment. But before you throw in your lot with the global plurality, consider the following. Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi is the head of the Hindu nationalist party, the Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP), which has precipitated communal violence in the past. Modi has been rather circumspect as leader, but that could change if聽 get the upper hand. In China, meanwhile, Xi Jinping is the anti-Trump: a careful bureaucrat comfortable with navigating within the system. But Xi is not above using nationalism鈥攁gainst 鈥渟eparatists,鈥� against Japanese militarists, against claimants to territory in the South China Sea鈥攖o sustain support in the Party at a time of cooling economic growth.

Bottom line: Keep your eye on the headlines before heading to Beijing or Mumbai.

Trump Free

If you鈥檝e been busy crossing off countries on the map as you鈥檝e been reading along, you鈥檒l realize that there鈥檚 not a lot of free space left at this point. Much of the globe is downright dangerous in its Trump-like proclivities. If these global Trumps have not already taken power, as in the Philippines or Poland, they are gathering strength, as in France and Indonesia. We are experiencing the formation of a Trump International.

That leaves you with a couple of choices. You could:

a) Run across the border and throw yourself on the mercy of Justin Trudeau鈥攗ntil the Canadians build their own wall and make Donald Trump pay for it;

b) If you miss the boat on Canada, you could find a quiet, boring and relatively obscure place to live like Andorra, Tuvalu or Belize;

c) Volunteer to take ice floe measurements in Antarctica for the next four years;

d) Get on a cruise ship and stay on it, circling the globe until people come to their senses or the world blows up, whichever comes first.

At Emergency Travel Services, we can help you with any of these options. Don鈥檛 be caught with your pants down and your passport expired on November 9. Even if Trump loses this time around, his followers aren鈥檛 going anywhere. They鈥檒l get behind an equally offensive but聽.

Bottom line: In these desperate times, it鈥檚 not just the Pentagon that needs an exit strategy.

*[This article was originally published by .]

The views expressed in this article are the author鈥檚 own and do not necessarily reflect 51吃瓜鈥檚 editorial policy.

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