51吃瓜

Kabul, Afghanistan, 4 October 1980  

On a breezy October day, a kite-flying day, my cousin Kader surprised me with a visit. He looked much older than I remembered, his hair thinner, his once smooth face now lined with worry. He was a well-known political writer who had worked for the Ministry of Education before the Spring Revolution. He was also known for his short stories.

For generations, his family had been one of the most important families in Kabul. Kader looked at me with his deep-set black eyes and spoke in a frantic voice, 鈥楤ar, you must leave immediately. The National Security and Russian soldiers are now searching house to house. They鈥檝e already searched half of your neighborhood and they won鈥檛 stop.

You must come to my house immediately. It鈥檚 the only place that will be safe for you now.鈥�

I did not know what to think. Things were so bad now, I wondered if I could trust my own cousin. He could have given in to the Communists, or he could be telling me this because they were holding someone in his family hostage.

I hated the Russians for making me doubt him, and I hated myself for doubting him.

鈥�Tashakor (Thank you). I鈥檒l be okay,鈥� I assured him. 鈥業 have a hiding place that the National Security will never find.鈥�

But he was adamant. 鈥榊ou must come to my house. It鈥檚 the only place that will be safe for you now.鈥�

鈥業 need time to think,鈥� I said, deflecting his request.

鈥楾here鈥檚 no time!鈥� he said.

I told him, 鈥業 have to think of my wife and children, my father and mother. I鈥檓 the only one who can take care of them.鈥�

鈥榊ou won鈥檛 be much use to them dead,鈥� he said.

鈥楾hat is true, Kader. But before I leave my family and go to your house, I must speak with my father.鈥�

Kader just sighed. 鈥楪od be with you.鈥�

That night I lay on the floor, unable to sleep. I could hear the National Security guards in the street outside my house shouting at people, 鈥榃hat is the password for tonight?鈥� If there was no response, there would be the sound of gunfire and I would flinch as if the bullet had ripped through me.

As soon as the sun appeared, I went up to my father鈥檚 bedroom where he spent most of his time since losing his leg years before. I told him about Kader鈥檚 visit. 鈥楾hings have changed,鈥� I said. 鈥楨very house is being searched now. They will even search the general鈥檚 house. I can no longer hide from these crazy people.鈥�

鈥楽o, you think you should go stay with Kader?鈥� Baba asked.

鈥榃e don鈥檛 know who鈥檚 honest anymore,鈥� I replied. Then the words I had dreaded saying for so long escaped my lips.

鈥楾he time has come for me to leave.鈥�

Baba didn鈥檛 say anything at first. This unsettled me because my father was never at a loss for words. When he finally did speak, his voice was weak. 鈥業 was afraid it might come to this,鈥� he said. 鈥業鈥檝e spoken with Abbas. He agreed that when the time comes, he would go with you. I will get word to him. You can leave tomorrow at first light.鈥�

When I told my mother, who I called Babu, her body shuddered, but her lips were silent. My mother had a habit of never sitting still when she was nervous. First, she paced back and forth in the room. Then she walked from one room to the other. Then from one house in our compound to another.

She returned to our living room and continued pacing back and forth until I could take it no longer.

鈥楽it!鈥� I told her. But she never sat. My wife Afsana was asleep in another room with our two children. I couldn鈥檛 find the tongue to tell her. But I knew I must.

鈥楢fsana?鈥� I called, waking her.

鈥�Baleh? (Yes?)鈥�

鈥業t鈥檚 not safe for me here anymore鈥�I must leave tomorrow.鈥�

鈥榃hat do you mean?鈥� she asked, panic rising in her voice.

鈥楰ader came to see me. Things have become too dangerous now. Abbas is coming for me in the morning. He鈥檒l make sure I get out safely. I鈥檒l send for you and the children as soon as

I can.鈥�

A painful silence followed. Afsana started to speak, but stopped. She knew there was nothing she could say or do now. We both lay awake all night.

As dawn approached, I went to say goodbye to my father.

He was sitting up in bed staring at nothing, his books and newspaper lying next to him, unread.

鈥楢h, the time has come,鈥� he said. He seemed to be searching for something else to say; some last words of wisdom, some final advice from father to son. When he finally spoke, he spoke slowly, the words sticking in his throat, 鈥楾ake care of yourself.鈥�

I could not do this. 鈥業 won鈥檛 leave without taking you and Babu. I can鈥檛 leave without Afsana and the children,鈥� I said.

鈥榃e鈥檒l all go together!鈥�

He was silent for a moment, his eyes never leaving my face. 鈥楴ay, you know that鈥檚 not possible,鈥� he said.

鈥業 can get friends to help us. They can take all your things.

We鈥檒l go to Jalalabad. Everything will be all right.鈥�

鈥楴ay, Bar. It is not practical. I鈥檓 too old and weak to be moved. The Russians won鈥檛 bother Babu, or Afsana, or the children. We鈥檒l be safe here. If we try to leave, none of us will survive. Things are very bad, but I still have my house and my writings. But it is true, you are no longer safe here, so you must leave to save yourself. Let鈥檚 pray that in a few months, things will change.鈥�

鈥業f that is your wish,鈥� I gave in.

鈥楽ay goodbye to me now,鈥� Baba said. 鈥業鈥檓 afraid you won鈥檛 see me again.鈥�

鈥楬ow can you say that?鈥� I protested, feeling the pain of those words as though he were already dead.

He looked at me with sad, knowing eyes. 鈥楳y father said the same thing to me just before I left for Paris,鈥� Baba said. 鈥業t was the last time I saw him.鈥�

[Extracted from Red Sky Over Kabul: A Memoir of a Father and Son in Afghanistan by Baryalai Popalzai and Kevin McLean. Published by Speaking Tiger Books, 2023.]

The views expressed in this article are the author鈥檚 own and do not necessarily reflect 51吃瓜鈥檚 editorial policy.